By: Mary Schwager GALTime Staff

Are your friends making you go broke? Do you dread dining out because when the check comes you’re going to get indigestion from the “how to divide the bill discussion”? When it comes to a getaway weekend do you feel sheepish suggesting a trip to the beach or shore rather than Paris? You don’t want to get a bad rap as the cheap one, but your checkbook only goes so deep. How do you navigate tricky money situations with friends? Should friends put pressure on friends to subsidize extravagances?

We came up with some sticky friend financial situations and first we asked our readers what they would do. Then we consulted Miss Manners expert, Jodi Smith a well known “etiquette advocate” who owns Mannersmith. (www.mannersmith.com) She has a master’s degree in motivational psychology, has been consulting organizations and businesses on manners since 1986, is a regular on national TV news morning shows and is now working on her third book about etiquette.

First, the readers, how would you handle this situation?

1. Splitting the check: you only ordered an appetizer and didn't drink, the "table" wants to split the bill and asks you to join in. What can you say that's polite without looking cheap?

-Stephanie: “My group of friends will ask for separate checks (the not-so-fancy restaurants willingly do so) or if we get a group check, we all identify our items and pay for our part.”

-Dave: “I think the best bet is to start your own tab at the bar when you come in. Then if you order anything, just ask the waitress to put it on your bar tab, and you don't get involved in the big bill.”

-Outi: “no, you pay for what you got.”

-D'jamila: “I'd just throw in for what I ate or my share, plus a extra good tip. If anyone says anything, I just say, I only had an appetizer or something. Usually people are decent about it. If not, you need new friends."

-Jay: “Always have CASH on hand for just such an occasion. Credit cards are generally "split" down the middle...with cash, you can just throw in your share and have everyone else split the check evenly.”

-Conrad: “You just bring it up, don't be shy. I've heard friends do it all the time, no one thinks they are being lame. Just be sure to not skimp at all, even overpay a little, on what you owe, so no one can complain.”

And a number of readers said they wouldn't complain if they had to throw in a little extra or would happily split the bill evenly!

-Kerri: “I just divide it equally amongst the total. I believe in Karma, what comes around goes around. Having to put in extra cash beyond my share is worth it to break bread with my peeps.”

Jodi Smith, MannerSmith: "Usually I would, (split the check) but since I only had an appetizer tonight, why don't I pay for that and then you can split the rest."

Smith says to have a Preemptive Etiquette Plan in mind: “When going out with over-orderers such as these is to have the wait staff ring up separate checks. It is best to mention this to the server before ordering. Servers typically are happy to do so since the larger the party, the more likely someone will under-contribute to the tip!”

2. Party organizer: You organize a going away or birthday party for your best friend and with the best intentions you put down your credit card when the bartender asks if you want to start a tab. Everyone then puts their drinks and food on your tab. Then someone, who you know had 3 expensive martinis, hands you 10 dollars and says, "Thanks-I have to leave early!" What do you say?

-Michele: “If at a venue do a cash bar and don't get into a sticky position.”

-Julie: ”Cover them, don't say a word. It is always better to be the bigger person. Then the next time accidentally "forget" to invite them. Cheap jerks rarely get invited back."

-Maddy: “I have found from experience that it is better to have the guests pay for their individual drinks as they buy them. It makes it much easier at the end of the night, don't have to deal with people who roll in & out without paying!"

-Dan F.: “If you are close with the cheapskate, look him/her in the eye and say, ‘Did you leave your wallet in your other pants? If your short, I can cover you. But if you have more in there, cough it up Jack." -Benny: "If they are just an acquaintance, cover the difference and don't invite them back per Julie."

And our expert says:

Jodi Smith, MannerSmith: "So glad you could come! You know, the tab is already getting high, do you want to leave a bit more now to cover those yummy appletinis or do you want to buy the next time we are out for drinks?" Smith calls this one an Etiquette Emergency. “There is a big difference between an ‘organizer’ and a ‘host.’ If you are organizing, you need to be explicit in the
invitation that all of the attendees are helping to cover their own tab as well as a bit extra for the honoree. If you are hosting, you are paying for the whole thing yourself.”

-Kathleen: “That would happen twice. The third time I'd say, ‘I would lend you money when you pay back what you owe!"

-Dan B.: “As soon as you see them just say, "Hey, can you spot me a few bucks. I'm coming up a little short this month again. Maybe like $500?" Do this a few times and the problem just goes away."

-Patrick: “You go to their house and take their TV until they pay you back.”

-Maura: “I usually remind them before I see them that night. ‘Looking forward to seeing you tonight. Do you think you can pay me back what you owe me tonight?’”

-Nancy: “Next time you are in a social situation with a tab, just mention in a nice way, I covered you last time, this time is on you.”

-Tom: “Loans are for Banks and Businesses and not for friendships. If a bank won't lend them $$, why should you or me?? It usually expedites the end of friendships so if you want to get rid of them, that is your cost."

-Enza: “My mother always says: If you loan a friend money you're going end up losing both your friend and your money!”

And what does our Mannersmith say?

Jodi Smith, Mannersmith: "Oh, I am so sorry; I only have enough to cover my fair share of the bill. Do you want to put it on your credit card and I will give you my cash?"
Preemptive Etiquette she suggests. “You know your friend's wallet is always on empty, start swinging by the ATM as you go to the bar/movie/restaurant with ‘I don't know where my money goes! I have to stop and get some cash. Which bank do you use? Do you need to grab some too?’"

-Ali: “I would have no trouble saying, ‘I can't afford it. Can we look at something else?"

-Gloria: "It's out of our budget right now. How about a shorter trip to ____. If that doesn't suit, we would love to be included next time you plan something."

-PJ: “How about, “Ya think I'm a friggin' millionaire?"

Jodi Smith, Mannersmith: “If saying something in front of the group is too much, choose one of the group coordinators and pull her aside to express your concerns. ‘Dory, I love the idea of going to Vegas, but you all work in big fancy jobs and I teach 2nd grade in the inner city. I can't do Vegas, but I could swing Atlantic City. I would hate to miss the girlfriend getaway.’"

-MD: “Pay what you were going to spend originally.”

-Michelle: “Always know in advance the price range and what the planned gift is. But you committed, you need to follow through.”

-Jeanne: “Know up front how much.”

-Andrea: “I’d be honest and say how much I was originally planning on spending and see what they say.”

-Gogo: “You dug your own grave on this one. Pay up!”

-Jenny: “ This happened to us. Unbeknownst to the other groomsmen, husband's friend bought a group groomsmen gift that was $600 per person. Purchased at an antique store, then engraved, so there was no returning it. For us, that was the wedding gift, groomsmen gift and shower gift. (For the record, this is the same couple who orders the $100 bottle of wine at dinner, then splits the bill evenly)."

Jodi Smith, Mannersmith: "Wow! That is more than I've budgeted for, is there anyone else from college who is also going who might go in on this too?"
Preemptive Etiquette: “When someone suggests a group gift, say ‘I am happy to go in on the gift, but please email me the costs BEFORE you buy it.’ Or say something along the lines of ‘That sounds great, I can contribute up to $125.’”

What would you say if you were stuck in an awkward money situation with friends? Or do you have a new dollar dilemma you’d like us to tackle? Let us know what you think! Leave us your feedback and your questions!

Comments (10)

Subscribe to this comment's feed

Try to talk and your friend doesn't listen
written by frustrated, August 21, 2010

I have tried talking to this one so called friend. She is one of those people that you give an inch and they take a mile an thats putting it litely. I am in a very bad place financially and she mooches with what she can get out of you. I live an hour and a half away from her and she doesn't realize that it costs money to drive anywhere. We have made plans to get together once a month so far that hasnt happened,(SHE BUGS TILL YOU GIVE IN), at the casino,(THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE SHE GOES) we agreed that every other month we will switch off where i pay 40.00 for 1 month and she does the other month,(BASICALLY SHE HAS NEVER PAID FOR A FUN NITE,WHEN SHE LOSES SHE BUGS AND BEGS FOR ME TO PULL OUT MORE MONEY I SAY NO AND I KEEP AT IT UNTIL I GET VERY PISSED OFF AND THROW THE MONEY AT HER,AND THIS IS WHERE SHE TELLS ME THAT I EMBARASSED HER IN FRONT OF PEOPLE AND SHE DOESN'T APPRECIATE IT, NOW I GO IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION THAN HER WHEN WE GET THERE AND MOST OF THE TIME I HAVE WON I DON'T GET TO KEEP THAT. SHE ACTS LIKE WE ARE MARRIED AND THAT'S GROSS FOR ONE BUT SHE THINKS THAT WHATS HERS IS HERS AND MINE IS HERS AND IF I DON'T GIVE SHE GETS MAD. I have tried talking that doesn't work, so now I'm reduced to LYING saying I have no money and basically she says that I'm a liar and the whole nine yards. I hate that she is doing this and she knows shes doing it her excuse was I have given to others with nothing in return or expected and all they wanted was to borrow or use whatever i had, now its my turn. we have had way too many arguements about this so I need help to understand this type of behavior coming from a friend. I have a terminal illness and there is no cure i'm on disability and i don't have very many friends. I can't be under stress. I have told her on several occassions that this friendship is over then a week or two later she calls and apologizes and things are goog for a week or two then she starts back up. ANY ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS SITUATION?

• 
• +3
• 
• 

Concerned
written by Cindy G, August 19, 2010

I am usually in the opposite scenario. I currently do not have a job and my good friend does. Whenever we go out she wants to pay for everything. Sometimes I pay and she gets upset and gives me money for 'her share.' As much as this is helpful, I am a bit embarrassed with this fact. I have gotten her thank you cards with 15 dollar gift cards and I always give her a lot of Christmas gifts, is this a good thing? What else should I do? I really don't want her to think I'm a freeloader or that I want this to be a common thing. HELP!!

• 
• +0
• 
• 

...
written by LasVegasLady, August 19, 2010

Years ago, I found myself buying lunch for my friend often. In fact, she was such a good friend and I enjoyed her company so much that I offered to take her to lunch on numerous occasions and always foot the bill. She came into some money (a lot of it) later on and when she came to visit, she was STILL broke and unable to pay her own way. She is a poor money manager and I finally figured that out. As much as I love her as a friend, I don't offer anymore.

• 
• +2
• 
• 

...
written by C. Mcbride, August 19, 2010

So the question I have is about #3 while it's a good suggestion the response I get is "I'll pay you on such and such a date" & when said date arrives low and behold all of THEIR bills and expenses are paid but oh wait... now they're too short to pay me. I can't do the ATM suggestion because the friend doesn't have any money to take out, most of them (due to lack of managing their money.... I know this now) don't have credit cards and the damage has been done. The money is lent it's been spent by the person I lent it to, so now how do I go about getting MY money back without looking like an @sshole?

• 
• +0
• 
• 

To Crystal88
written by Kimm, August 19, 2010

If you want her to pay you back, the next time she asks you and/or your mom to buy something for her, just say, "can't, [don't have enough cash on hand]. and you still owe me $350 and my mom $400." the bracketed part is optional [].
so yeah...
I hope this helped!

• 
• +0
• 
• 

Ugh...
written by Crystal88, August 19, 2010

Wow. My friend 'T.' always does this crap to me and my mom. "Can you buy me ____? I swear I'll pay you back!" And then she never does. Now she's into my mom for about $400 and me for about $350....how do I get her to pay us back?

This article hepled a lot though...thanks Yahoo!

• 
• +0
• 
• 

...
written by Bridgitte, August 19, 2010

A good article. I'm known as the stingy one amongst my friends. i don't mind splitting the bill evenly if it's a close friend but with other people, I pay my own share. My money is valuable and they should respect that...

• 
• +0
• 
• 

How True
written by Chris B., August 19, 2010

I have always struggled to say something to friends who clean out my wallet... This article helped a lot Thank You!!! My problem with a certain friend is they always say they don't have money and I say "well I'll pay as my treat," Not only do I express how my financial situation is down the drain, I also get something quite small or inexpensive on the menu while she gets a three course meal and drinks on my tab. I feel awkward because I said it was my treat so I feel obligated but at the same time I implied enough that I couldn't spend that much... ugh

• 
• +1
• 
• 

...
written by Edi, August 19, 2010

I have found that being honest with your friend is the best bet! I have a friend who always buys the first round, then since he is out of money expects everyone to foot the bill for the rest of the night! His rebuttal is always "but I bought the first round!" I usually reply with "but I bought the next 2 rounds, now it's your turn again!"

• 
• +1
• 
• 

...
written by Merry W, July 30, 2010

Great article Mary. These situations are all too true, and remind me of a few friends. My personal story is a particular friend who not only always seems to forget his wallet after he gets to the bar, as well as orders chinese food at his own house and somehow 'realizes' when the food come he has no money...but hits me up for money for full packs of cigarettes, I cringe when he wants to go out because it is such a pattern with him. Good advice for these thorny financial situations.

• 
• +3
• 
• 

Name

Email

Website

Title

Comment

smaller | bigger

I have read and agree to the Terms of Usage.

Write the displayed characters

Add Comment