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By: Alyson Schafer, B.Sc., M.A. Counseling
 With Halloween and Thanksgiving behind us, it's time to turn our attention to the next manic family moment:
The religious high holidays of Diwali, Kwanza, Eid al-adha, Christmas and Hanukkah. Whatever you celebrate this time of year, there is no doubt there is some chaos ahead of you. Here are some ideas to make this special season run more smoothly for families.
1) Say “NO” to your unwanted burdens
Clear your own plate. You don’t actually have to “do it all” every year. Try saying “No”. How about it? Try this on for size: ” No, I don’t think I’ll co-ordinate the cookie swap, too much else going on at the moment." Ahhh, doesn’t that feel good? What have you been dreading? End the misery. Say no. Save your energies for the fun stuff you want more of in your holidays. You’ll be happier, the family will be happier.
2) Plan together the good times you DO want
Be proactive and hold a family meeting to discuss the upcoming holidays. Children love be involved in the planning and are motivated to be helpful with seasonal jobs. They’ll also be more co-operative with plans they’ve had some say in shaping. Make a calendar together, assigning jobs, discuss what would make for a great holiday. Be sure to add your own need for some quiet time or reading time. If your children always fight over who sits next to their favorite cousin Penny, the family meeting is the place to solve that problem in advance.
3) Create Wish Lists
Your child won’t nag you incessantly if you create a wish list and write down the items they are hoping to get for say, Christmas. You don’t have to be a sour puss and say “if you talk about it, you don’t get it” or ” you already have 10 dolls you don’t play with” or “that’s too expensive”. Instead - just say “sounds like you’re excited, write it on your wish list”. After all, it's a “WISH LIST” for Pete’s sakes not a shopping list. 'Tis the season to dream. You might ask them to put a star beside a few of the most important items on the list if they haven’t already been clear about their priority.
4) Manage Expectations
Yes, your children can dream, but if you know that you are going to have a much smaller Christmas or holiday celebration than your kids have come to know, I suggest you manage expectations up front. With calm resolve and a smile, let them know that the family finances have changed, and that means holiday spending has to be less this year, and you’re sure they’ll understand and be supportive. BTW, I understand that the swine flu has also kept a lot of Santa’s elves from being able to work, and toy production is at an all time low too! He apologizes in advance for what is sure to be a smaller load on the sleigh this year.
5) Maintain Routines
Children behave better when they eat and sleep in their regular routine way. The more you can maintain some regularity the better, but of course holidays are also about staying up a bit late, and eating a bit more treats so be reasonable. Maybe just don’t stack up 5 days back to back or crazy holiday visiting.
 6) Avoid Correcting Behavior Publically
Children don’t like to be corrected publically. If you need to speak to them about their behavior ask them to talk to you privately for a moment, or agree on a signal together ( If I see you getting too loud at gramma’s house, I’ll tug on my earlobe to let you know”.
7) Train BEFORE you visit
Teaching your children about manners is something you should teach and train BEFORE you go on outings to others houses or have company in. Practice the behaviors you’d like to see in advance of special occasions. It's very confusing for children who have been given lax boundaries at home and suddenly you get uptight in public social settings. You can politely let people know for example: ” We’re still working on saying our please and thanks you's” and then let it go.
8) Stress
Besides controlling your schedule to make it less packed and stressful, you can also read my early tip about how to control you mind so you don’t interpret events as stressful.
9) Pack It Along
Make a “survival bag” that has snacks, juice boxes, and some easy entertainment to tote along with you. If you get stuck someplace ( the car, an adult party, a long lining up or the airport) your equipped.
10) and finally, pay attention to the 8 or 10 things that were wonderful that day instead of dwelling on the things that were not. There is good everywhere if you look for it.
Happy Holiday Prep!
Alyson Schafer is a psychotherapist and one of the nation's leading parenting experts. She's the author of the best-selling books "Breaking the Good Mom Myth" (Wiley, 2006) and "Honey, I Wrecked The Kids" ( Wiley, 2009). She is the host of Roger's TV "The Parenting Show" and is an internationally sought-after speaker. The media relies on Alyson's comments and opinions; she has appeared on The Montel Williams Show, The National, CTV news, BTV, CBC's Steven and Chris, TVO's The Agenda with Steve Paiken and many more. You can find her interviewed and quoted extensively in countless publications including Cosmopolitan, Reader's Digest, The Globe and Mail, Today's Parent and Canadian Family. www.alyson.ca
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