Do you remember the TLC show Virgin Diaries? It caused quite a stir. For those who never saw it, the show followed the lives of several individuals hoping to meet that special someone to whom they’d finally lose their virginity. Perhaps the most captivating (in an awkward sort of way) among those interviewed was a couple on the verge of tying the knot.
Hoping to find bliss on their wedding night, the newlyweds soon learned that sex isn’t always orgasmic. In reality, most “sexcapades” fall short for one reason or another and in this case, the wife admitted her first time was painful and not what she expected.
While that’s not unusual, what’s worse is when you’re in the heat of the moment and your partner does something so completely unnerving—something so jarring—that you just want to crawl under the sheets and disappear.
The list of sexual faux pas we all want to avoid can be endless (from passing gas to calling our lover the wrong name), so we’ve asked relationship expert, and founder of dating consultancy www.sittinginatree.com, Stacie Ikka to narrow it down by offering her unique perspective on what she considers the most offensive.
“I personally don't subscribe to the concept of someone being ‘bad in bed,” Ikka says. “Sure, some people understand better than others how to please a potential partner. However, to say someone is ‘bad in bed,’ I think, is entirely unfair.”
Ikka cautions, “Many (people) are quick to dismiss an initial physical attraction and that elusive ‘chemistry’ when the electricity doesn't translate into amazing sex in the bedroom. But, what is often missing is communication. You can't expect your partner to know what turns you on and how to please you, especially if it’s a new partner. In a healthy relationship, the sex actually gets better over time, as you get to know each other and feel comfortable communicating your sexual needs, desires, and preferences.”
Related: 3 Mistakes Women Make in the Bedroom
“(Sex) isn't always about reaching orgasm,” Ikka says, noting, “This is about showing a genuine interest in pleasing your partner and communicating with them on an intimate level. In a healthy relationship, there is a natural give-and-take that doesn't feel like either party is keeping score.”
3. Revealing too much too soon
“Although communication, lack of judgment, open-mindedness, spontaneity, and experimentation go a long way in a healthy sexual relationship, revealing too much, too soon may scare your partner away,” Ikka warns. “It's best to ease into kink, fetish, fantasy, and adventure slowly and cautiously—and only when you feel that the foundation of the overarching relationship is one built on trust and emotional safety.”
“Some people withhold sex as punishment or engage in sexual activities they may not normally be comfortable with to please their partners. Both scenarios are likely to create resentment, an environment of distrust, and can erode the intimacy that may have initially been present.”
Related: Is it OK to 'Fake It'?
“I know it's a popular practice, and I understand why we do it, but if you're looking to have an ongoing, satisfying, and authentic relationship with your partner, it's best to teach them how to help you attain orgasm rather than misleading them and then feeling dissatisfied yourself.”
Got any to add?
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Note from the author: Organizations like the International Professional Surrogates Association offer instruction to help couples who want to enhance sensuality and their level of intimacy. Working with groups, like IPSA, or taking classes on intimacy may lead to greater sexual pleasure and even help you avoid sexual faux pas in the future!